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Submitted on
May 11, 2010
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R.I.P Barry Marshall. I really miss you today.

My apologies to Paperdart for submitting such a morbid, yet still sincere, piece to her contest. You know like me, that sometimes you can only write what's inside.
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:iconelmostrangeblossom:
elmostrangeblossom Featured By Owner May 13, 2010
My hartjie...
bravo! dis pragtig
:( dit het my self n traan laat pik
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:iconwolfenlied:
Wolfenlied Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Dankie. :)
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:iconcaroncecilia:
CaronCecilia Featured By Owner May 12, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
very emotional read, love...i love it
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:iconwolfenlied:
Wolfenlied Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :) Still feels a bit clumsy.
I should revisit it sometime...
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:iconpaperdart:
PaperDart Featured By Owner May 12, 2010   Writer
:hug: Thank you for sharing something so special (sacred,even?). The verse is particularly poignant.
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:iconwolfenlied:
Wolfenlied Featured By Owner May 12, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. :) I do feel that this piece is rather rough and I would like to have submitted something more polished to the contest. It's also too short to really make good prose. Yet too prosey to make good poetry. So let's call it an experiment then.

You are free to critique it from all sides though. ;P
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:iconpaperdart:
PaperDart Featured By Owner May 16, 2010   Writer
It's not too short to make good prose if you clean it up a bit.

:bulletpink: New speaker gets a new line in dialogue. Dialogue also usually needs a new line after description.

:bulletgreen: If you end a sentence inside the quotes, you don't need to punctuate on the outside as well. Check all your dialogue punctuation. There are heaps of guides that explain it better than I would, if you're not sure.

:bulletorange: Love the imagery, but I think you could elaborate on it some more. I'm not always entirely sure what you're getting at - and I think I came at this with more context than most. What I followed was good, so I'm pretty sure the rest would be too, if I got it.

:bulletblue: It's traditional to indent and italicise verse, I think. You don't have to, but in my opinion it'd have a good effect.

:bulletred: You didn't tell us what happened to the flier you wrote on. I would've like to know - it fits into the imagery of the story, somehow.

:bulletpurple: Don't be afraid to slow down a bit and explain. You have more leeway in prose than in poetry, but we're less willing to guess at things.

:tighthug: This has the potential to be a really beautiful piece if you put in half as much technique as I'm getting emotion out. I think a bit of editing and expansion will get you there.
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